How Life Comes Today - The Trouble With Owning a Thane

How Life Comes Today – A series of some of my more obsessive traits and observations.

The Trouble with Owning a Thane

I own a Thane.  A Thane is big, and by no means am I exaggerating.  A mature Thane will in fact often block an entire hallway, entry way, or staircase with ease.  Just right now, he chose to block the 48 inch TV like some unnatural eclipse.  Most of the time a Thane cannot comprehend the amount of space is required to fit between two objects and while he has only gotten stuck once, it is not unusual for him to tumble chairs or anything else that may be in his way.  To make matters worse, a Thane comes equipped with a tail.  It is about 4 inches thick at the base and extends outwards from his ass.  It essentially covers his primary output orifice and is best thought of as an exaggerated hatch.  A Thane’s tail wags whenever he is pleased with the situation at hand or even moderately stimulated in what a Thane conceives to be a pleasurable way.  What this may be is widely up for speculation.  This wagging activity causes his tail to move at different intervals indicative of his excitement in the situation.  The faster the tail moves the more he likes what is going on.  At high speeds the tail will destroy glasses, cause bruises, and trip children.  If you are male I would advise covering your sensitive areas when Thane comes wagging.  In some instances of intense excitement a Thane will contort his body into a ball and attempt to spin in a circle which creates a whirl wind of destruction.   This activity is most notable at times of feeding or if I have been away from my Thane for a prolonged period of time.  In some instances the whirl wind can come with the accompaniment of a vocal element which is impossible to describe with words.  It is terrifying and exciting at the same time.  This could possibly mean that a Thane is upset, excited, fearful or a combination of any of the above. 

A Thane is covered in black fur with the accessory of brindle apricot highlights; this gives him the appearance of being dirty all of the time which is fitting because he generally is.  A Thane loves to wallow, much like a pig, in dirt or mud.  Once positioned in the wallow he will often do his best to ensure that he is covered in dirt.  My particular Thane has a black mask, devoid of apricot, and a black nose giving him the sense of some brooding physical shadow.  Researchers believe that this helps aid a Thane conceal himself at night.  My particular Thane has bronze eyes which glow eerily as they reflect the light in the darkness.  A Thane is sneaky at night.  While during the day he easily stands out, at night while blanketed in darkness he moves quietly and nimbly.

A Thane is always hungry.  No matter how much he consumes he will always eat more, unless it is kibble.  Apparently his daily ration of 8 cups a day has made him weary of kibble, A Thane much prefers the leavings of any human.  Kibble is just too drab for a Thane.  Thane’s favorite food is meat, cooked or uncooked, a Thane is able to consume raw flesh as easily as cooked.  Watching a Thane consume a steak is akin to watching a Tyrannosaurus Rex gobble down an infant.  The steak is rarely chewed more than twice before disappearing down his gullet.  I have tried to cut a steak into small bits; I have attempted to get steaks so large that a Thane would be forced to chew.  Neither method requires any delay in consumption.  A Thane is defenseless against the wiles of food.  If you refuse to immediately satiate his desires for whatever you are eating, a Thane will sit or stand in front of you for the duration in which you are enjoying your meal, hoping that you will notice that he would like to share with you.  In this process a Thane’s eyes will droop and he may whine, attempt to shake, or he may start to drool.  If he is seated you will be greeted by his throbbing pink bobber, un-shamefully pointed like a standard to the sky.  A Thane is so excited about eating that he often goes erect in the presence of food.  A Thane is perfectly comfortable brandishing an erection, for a Thane is confident in all situations, especially if the situation is a food related one.  There are very few things that a Thane does not consider food.  Namely anything synthetic, but it is easy to trick him into eating just about anything if you know how to do it.  Drinking water for a Thane is a big ordeal.  One that a Thane must condition and work up to for a Thane drinks his entire ration of water in one sitting.  Much the same as a camel does to refill its hump after a long desert journey.  A Thane consumes water by lapping it up with his ill-suited tongue.  A Thane’s tongue is just not ideal for such applications and in the process a Thane spills water every which way but down his throat.  A Thane takes at least five straight minutes to drink his ration; afterwards a Thane will cough from the intensity and often blow water out of his mouth.  When first I witnessed this activity I was fearful that my Thane was choking.  His eyes appeared glazed over; he was coughing monstrously, and spittle was set to the wind in all directions.  I now know this is how he drinks and that you must be weary to make contact directly after the action for a Thane drools long slimy tendrils.  For obvious reason you do not under any situation want to be in his vicinity when drool is pouring from his face.

A Thane loves to sleep and he will sleep anywhere.  A Thane sleeps in just about any position, be it belly to the sky with his longs legs like masts or spread out on the carpet looking like a tube of toothpaste.  Often a Thane’s face will puddle on the ground in front of him, a meaty jowl pancake.  A Thane does not care where he sleeps.  A Thane’s favorite place to sleep is of course my bed, preferably to himself.  There he can roll in the blankets, lay his encumbered head upon a pillow, and dream Thane dreams.  These always seem to include a lot of running, which is surprising because a Thane rarely runs at all.  When a Thane does run he sounds as some war horse galloping to battle with his face flappy like banners.  If I am in my bed a Thane demands to join the party.  He will stamp his feet, whimper, paw at my face or back, or he will simply find a gap and barge his way onto the bed.  When a Thane barges onto the bed, he is sure to get as low as he can as quickly as he can.  In this way it is significantly harder dispose of him from the bed.   Once he feels that I have given up trying to remove him from the bed a Thane does everything in his power to get as comfy as he can.  His other interests are put aside and he never takes anyone else’s wellbeing into consideration, all that matters is getting the position he wants to sleep in.  Perhaps he wishes to use my leg, ankle, abdomen, or neck as a pillow.  Perhaps he does not want me or another on the bed with him and will attempt to push them off.  He does so by getting as close as he can, turning so that his legs are facing the victim and then extending his paws and legs out from his body with a great show of force.  He refuses to make eye contact throughout this endeavor and generally looks directly away.  The tough pads on the bottom of his feet are hard and scratchy so I often have scratches on me from where my Thane has tried to displace me from my own bed.  This is something we are working on and it has taken a long time for my Thane to sleep on his own, it is true and I won’t deny it.  In the beginning he was spoiled and so small.  The first few weeks I actually had to pick him up to get him on the bed.  Once he was on the bed he just slept in a little ball and loved it.  Those where definitely the glory days.  Now a Thane believes that my bed is in fact his.  If he tires of our nighttime antics he will put himself to bed, and I mean mine.  Food is not always a guarantee to rouse him from his position.  Some nights I have to grab him by his front paws and drag him off the bed, which is always accompanied by the saddest grunt.  In the morning when my alarm clock goes off I am immediately greeted with a Thane.  He does not even ask permission he just steps up onto the bed and looks for a place to hunker down.  My Thane knows that I am weak in the morning and easy to manipulate. 

A Thane likes to fight.  This became very apparent when my Thane was young.  I was not prepared and in the ensuing altercation my Thane almost killed a dog.  Since that day my Thane has been in a few more fights, shed blood and lost his own.  My Thane will not back down from a fight; a Thane is never scared after all.  His preferred fighting style is to rush in with his mouth open at the highest velocity that he can maintain.  Once initial contact is eminent, my Thane will go for the neck.  I must admit that this at least demonstrates some forethought and intelligence, but once he has hold of a neck he will shake violently in an effort to snap or rip an adversaries’ neck.  Once this ripping has begun there is no longer any shred of forethought or intelligence.  My Thane turns into a primal beast which can only be sedated by blood or through dramatic restraint.  On one such occasion my Thane decided to pick a fight with Ser Preston, a thick cut Arnold Schwarzenegger boxer who has probably suffered a stroke, over a bone.  This particular endeavor did not pan out in a fortunate way for my Thane.  Shortly after he was bleeding and acting the bitch in the bathroom as I cleaned his wounds.  That was the last altercation that he got into, although I fear it won’t be the last.  Since my Thane is unable to control his primal side I am unable to enjoy the off leash areas around Washington and must also be weary while out in public.  I never fear when my Thane is around people however as he seems to enjoy people in all of their guises, shapes, sizes, ages, and colors.  This is a good thing or else I would not own a Thane.

A Thane is a dog and like all dogs my dog is fearless and stupid, yet surprisingly clever at times.  Like most dogs, Thane is incredibly loyal.  Mastiff breed standard takes this loyalty above and beyond what I have ever experienced with other breeds.  He will always position himself so that any perceived threat is in front of him instead of me.  When I am camped out on the deck without the other dogs I have noticed that he will put himself at the top of the stairs with his head towards the yard.  When we are on walks he prefers to be on the outside, even attempting to force me out of the way when a car comes.  I like to say that Thane is stupid but that is not entirely accurate.  I spent very little time or effort teaching him much of anything.  The sit command took the longest out of all, about a solid week, but I feel that asking Thane to do anything that requires a lot of movement isn’t always fair and comes with a lot of resistance.   I could have probably taught him more if I had invested the time and I often wonder how magnificent he could have been if I had taken him to classes like I had wanted to.  I say Thane is clever because I see him look both ways when we cross the street to the mailbox.  He knows the difference between when a door is shut and latched and when it is just resting in the frame and he will use his big club head to push it open and peek in.  He will go to the back of the car in an attempt to go on a drive, which he likes.  When we vacuum and put all of their toys away the first thing that he will do is to run where the toys are housed and pull them out.  I have seen Thane wiggle under blankets and use his mass to position himself favorably.  I complain a lot about Thane but as we cruise through year two I wonder what I will do when he’s gone.