My mom decided she wanted to watch my dog while I go on vacation and wanted
me to write up a quick guide to kind of help her along in the endeavor. My mom
is a cat person through and through so I wanted her to really understand what
she was getting into.
This is what I wrote for her.
The Taming
of the Beast
A Treatise on the Sustainability of a Large Canid in Domestic Human Lodgings
By Ryan Burgess
To make simple communications between my Canid, he has been
named Thane; a name I have found his meager intelligence is capable of comprehending
and responds to. It is agreeable to him
to receive this structured moniker before instruction to solely indicate the
direction of the order. Without using
it, the Canid will only respond to the order if attention lies on the bearer of
the order, and ill-advised alternate to using the moniker of Thane, before
issuing the order. It has succeeded since
the Canine was able register that I was communicating with it. Luckily, else the experiment might have had
to be terminated, due ultimately to the lack of mental capability.
1.1: COMMANDS: Through extreme measures of dedication and prowess,
I have been able to get the Canid to do as I commanded. A natural dependency required in sharing my
domicile with such a large species. Over
time and experimentation the beast now knows eight commands with some measure
of dependency, while others are a constant effort.
1.1B: Thane actively registers these commands with relative
success:
Sit – The beast will place his
lower extremities in a crude sitting posture, often devolving to a slouch over
time. If the beast is asked to hold in
this position for a long time the beast will often tire of the commitment to
the posture altogether and lay before the command is given. I have often used this in my favor to trick the
beast.
Lay – The beast will take on a
prone position, by which the configurations are endless. The most common configurations consist of
ball, wedge, collapsed barn, and even toothpaste. Once observed, the posture is easy to
identify. Configurations are widely
dictated by existing surface space available and state of the lay. It is not uncommon to see multiple
configurations throughout the course of a lay.
Often lay turns into sleep, which is not a command normally registered
by the beast.
Shake – Widely a novelty command
used to force the beast to bend to your will.
I have found it best to reward the beast for his efforts and administer
a small treat reward. But remember that
restraint in the reward will keep the beast in proper health. To over-treat the beast is ill advised. Sometimes the beast will attempt to shake,
without the command, if he wishes your attention.
Stay (under ten feet) – Thane is
capable of sustaining a sustained freeze possession for limited duration. This is best executed after a sit
command. The longer the position is
held, the more likely the beast will be unable to maintain the position. In this way, there can be no approximation of
duration.
Leave It – This is used to
designate the beast away from an object of interest. If the beast believes the object to be of
edible nature, this command may need to be said again with a more forceful tone
before the beast will subjugate. In an
awkward show of intelligence which I did not think the beast could comprehend,
the beast actually shows signs of duress when I attempt to place food on an
extremity and issuing a ‘leave it’ command.
The current running theory is that the beast conceives that he is being
punished by not being allowed to eat the treat.
(Further experimentation is needed with an alternate command with this
specific function, in the event that food on Canid becomes a relevant command
for further habitation if not simply the demonstration of showman ship of such
a spectacular specimen.)
1.1C: Thane responds less frequently to these simple
commands:
Beep Beep – A command which is used
to steer the beast backwards from its current position. The beast has little if truly any cognitive
backwards capability. When asked the beast
simply moves it’s mass whence it came as best it can. If an object is in the way, the best will
topple it unless of strong foundational constitution.
Sing/Sing to Me –When the beast is
in the zenith of its excitement or frustrating it will often omit what can be
best described as a guttural howl. To
engage and instigate more of this behavior, I have found that I can command the
beast to ‘sing to me.’ Speculation to what the beast is attempting to actually
communicate is a wasted endeavor as the beast possesses little in noticeable
intelligence.
Stay (over ten feet) – This is used
in attempt to quell the beast from further action or to redirect it to a pause
position. The best chances for success
are when there are little to no distractions for the beast. Increasing the amount of distractions directly
decreases the chance of success and it should be noted that volume and tone of
the command directly affect the outcome.
1.2: FEEDING: A great
Canid requires sustenance at least twice daily, with a minimum of at least six
hours between feedings for best affect.
Currently Thane receives his first meal at around 8:30AM, PST standard
time. Although this can deviate widely
on either side as my schedule dictates.
Thane than gets fed at roughly 6:30PM, PST. This is generally stricter by within an hour
although in extreme scheduling conditions it should be noted that a beast is a durable,
hearty and can withstand momentary starvation.
1.2B: Allocation of food to the beast can come in a variety
of ways:
Standard Kibble – 2 Scoops of
hearty blend of animal bits and other Canid edibles from his bin. Can be used for the AM or PM feeding
Fancy Feast – 1 scoop of kibble and
an entire can of dog food. Can be used
for the AM or PM feeding, although should not be used for two back to back
feedings, despite the beasts fondness for the mash.
Treats – It’s best to reward the
beast throughout the day or evening periodically, although I would not suggest
over feeding him to maintain a rewarding physique and encourage the likelihood
of good health.
Water – Like all creatures, the
beast requires water to survive. It is
strongly recommended that his drinking vessel be placed outside or within the
confines of his primary lodging. It
should be noted that the beast is poor at controlling ingested water and great
heaps of it will in fact drip out in long streams if unintended.
1.2C: Ingesting the wrong thing can kill a beast and under
no circumstance should the beast be fed with or allowed to consume:
Anything
Chocolate – Chocolate can be fatal to the beast.
Grapes
– Indigestible to the beast and could cause significant issues with his
digestive track.
Chemicals – Chemicals such as
antifreeze and Pine Sol are confusing and titillating to the beast. If consumed can cause seizure and cardiac
arrest, although any diminished intelligence as a result may be unobservable.
1.2D: Do not
encourage or enforce extreme exercise up to ½ hour after feeding. A condition could form causing his stomach to
turn inside over and around itself. In
the event that this should occur, please contact the veterinary doctor
immediately.
1.3: EXERCISE: The beast requires little in actual
exercise. While he has the freedom of a
shy acre he barely utilizes any of his surroundings at often prefers to sleep
amongst the grass of his habitat when weather permits. While this is the Canid’s preferred state, he
sometimes needs exercise. I generally
find it ideal to walk him at least once a weak to satiate his need and have
found that this is more than enough.
1.3B: A walk is sufficient for the beast and he is
accustomed to walking up to three miles.
Above three miles the Canid often tires and looks to lay down whenever
forward action is not met. This can be
tiresome to then stir the beast making the return trek home or to the
transportation unit, nay impossible.
1.3C: If the beast has been locked away for a prolonged
period of time he should be allowed a brief liaison in an outdoor expanse
before being permitted inside the domicile.
1.3D: The Canid is fond of human interaction and when
greeted after a long period of solitude the beast will often show signs of
extreme excitement. This manifests most
notably as a spinning while simultaneously singing (as described in section
1.1C) action. There is no stopping this,
however; I have found that long term sustainability of this behavior is
unachievable for the beast as he tires quickly.
To reduce the potential destructive effects of this social ineptitude
and lack of consideration, simply step back away from him until he has tired
himself.
1.3E: Again, do not encourage or enforce extreme exercise up
to ½ hour after feeding. A condition
could form causing his stomach to turn inside over and around itself. In the event that this should occur, please
contact the veterinary doctor immediately.
1.4: GENERAL OBSERVATIONS:
Over the course of nearly three years (the duration of this experiment,)
the Canid has demonstrated eccentric reoccurring behavior that is inexplicable
under standard classification measures.
The behavior is in itself unimportant to the existence or maintenance of
the beast, however; I feel it is imperative to at least note my observations in
the event that a new pattern might be drawn from their composition and
eventually perhaps even discovering the root of their common place.
1.4B: A beast snores loudly when permitted to maintain a
long-sleep pattern. This behavior
devolves to full mouth inflation and deflation throughout the pattern of its
sleep cycle. As an observer, this
behavior can become annoying at times but long term exposure to the behavior
leaves the observer familiar and the behavior unregistered.
1.4C: A beast shows incredible interest in Canid-human interaction;
it specifically seems to want (used loosely due to lack of intelligence) the
acknowledgement of a human. It frequently
enjoys being scratched and will attempt to garner this by leaning against a
human to encourage the activity. Its
preferential spot for scratching is on one of his sides next to where his ribs
meet his spine, about halfway across his span.
Due to the size of the beast, a human must be cognizant of this fact or
potentially be left off balance and in danger of falling. There is no standard indication, save this
behavior and whining (listed below) to let a human know that the Canid wishes
for interaction.
1.4D: Whining is another such occurrence in which the beast
is unhappy or unfulfilled with the action present at the time. Perhaps the beast is genetically unable to
come to a sense of ease due to the long history of hunting imbedded within its
un-cognitive brain. Much like the above,
this is often a sign that the beast wishes for interaction or stimulation.
1.4E: The Canid has been observed to attempt to entertain
itself for short periods of time.
Generally speaking the beasts will pick-up a designated toy with its
mouth and flail his head from side to side in a crude tearing fashion. At other intervals the beast may drop and
pick up the toy repeatedly.
1.4F: For a more romantic experience with the Canid, one can
scratch the beast’s earhole with their knuckles, applying pressure towards his
skull. This will almost elicit ecstasy
within the beast and the observer should be wary that his head may need to be
supported, best achieved with the other hand.
After some time the beast will remain in a dreamlike state in which his
face can be rubbed thoroughly before he passes off to inevitable sleep.
1.5: COMBAT: The
beast shows extreme need to dominate others of the Canid species. The observer should be weary of such behavior
and keep the beast from conflict under all circumstances. Losing control of the beast is a scary and
very serious matter. Indicators that the
beast is reaching critical mass are easy for the trained eye. The beast’s body language changes to acute
defensive posturing and interest in a specific target. Multiple observations of the behavior have
shown that the beast struggles with basic understanding of the situation. In his frustration the hair at the rear of
his back will often rise from its flat position and the beast will attempt to
get into locus of dominance. If allowed
to continue the beast could attack in an attempt to destroy or demonstrate
superiority over the other Canid.
Attacks between Canid’s can be dangerous to one another and any
observers in the area. This behavior
should be avoided at all costs. In the
event that you see this posturing immediately give Thane a command to shift his
attention and lead him away from the other Canid while maintaining his
attention. This is usually accomplished
by repeatedly using his name in any semblance of one sided conversation which I
have found confuses the situation enough to alleviate his interest in the
destruction of the other Canid(s). To
help prevent the loss of control if the beast goes berserk, always use his
pinch collar during exercising in a public area and keep a short firm lead on
his leash when around other Canid’s. In
the event that two or more Canid engage one another, attempt to pull them apart
by any means necessary. To limit the
chance of injury to yourself, keep all extremities away from the fight unless
you are willing to endure potential injury.
While the event may seem scary, do your best to keep a straight face and
exert your much superior human intelligence on the situation. Many Canid owners are irresponsible or
unobservant, leave the situation as quickly as possible to ensure the dogs to
not reengage one another in the heightened confusion and emotion of the
owners. The beast usually regrets his
actions quickly after the engagement ends and will often wish to be close to
his master/observer afterwards.
1.6: DISCIPLINE: Over the course of rearing the Canid, I
have found two successful measures in controlling the beast’s behavior in
matters not legitimized by verbal commands.
To remedy irrational and destructive behavior, two procedures have
become a staple of our discipline regime with a third much more strict option.
1.6B: Both of the listed actions below are viable but the
dispensation often varies based on the severity of the behavior while the third
should be reserved for only the most extreme of behavior.
General ‘don’t do that’ – Sometimes
the beast will engage in nuisance level behavior which can sometimes upgrade to
bad behavior. To rectify this behavior,
simply tell Thane ‘no.’ While this was not listed under commands, the Canid
generally responds to such and ceases his bad behavior.
General discipline – In matters in
which the Canid is taking advantage of an unobservant human or completely
neglecting a rule it is best to remind him by administrating a flick to the
nose. The Canid’s nose is sensitive and
he will immediately cease behavior and demonstrate moping behavior.
Extreme Measures – In the event
that the Canid is engaging in destructive behavior, it is permissible to
dominate him. This is not a general
usage and it has only been used a few times throughout the experiment.
1.7: GOODLUCK: Good luck.
